First Weekend Fun in December

I realize I haven’t written much of substance lately, but honestly, I just haven’t been much in the mood for substantive writing. I’ve been putting all that energy into sermons lately, and haven’t felt compelled to do much for the blog. I anticipate that this will change next week, as I will be attending the roundtable discussion scheduled for next Tuesday at Cornerstone Baptist Church in Arlington. I’ve commented here and there, but I intend to wait until after the event to share my thoughts on it in this forum.

So until then, enjoy this week’s installment of weekend fun. I’ve had this for a long time, and I think that, due to its length, I will post it in two parts, with the rest coming next weekend. It will be most meaningful to those who have had or been around small children, and I find it much more profound now than when I first came across it more than eight years ago, as my oldest child is now four. I offer for your entertainment chapter one of The Lamentations of the Father:

Laws of Forbidden Places

Of the beasts of the field, and of the fishes of the sea, and of all foods that are acceptable in my sight you may eat, but not in the living room. ²Of the hoofed animals, broiled or ground into burgers, you may eat but not in the living room. ³Of the cloven-hoofed animal, plain with cheese, you may eat, but not in the living room. ⁴Of the cereal grains, of the corn and of the wheat and of the oats, and of all the cereals that are of bright color and unknown provenance you may eat, but not in the living room. ⁵Of quiescently frozen dessert and of all frozen after-meal treats you may eat, but absolutely not in the living room.  ⁶Of the juices and other beverages, yes, even of those in sippy-cups, you may drink, but not in the living room, neither may you carry such therein.  ⁷Indeed, when you reach the place where the living room carpet begins, of any food or beverage there you may not eat, neither may you drink. ⁸But if you are sick, and are lying down and watching something, then may you eat in the living room.

Laws When at the Table

⁹And if you are seated in your high chair, or in a chair such as a greater person might use, keep your legs and feet below you as they were.  ¹⁰Neither raise up your knees, nor place your feet upon the table, for that is an abomination to me. ¹¹Yes, even when you have an interesting bandage to show, your feet upon the table are an abomination, and worthy of rebuke.  ¹²Drink your milk as it is given you, neither use on it any utensils, nor fork, nor knife, nor spoon, for that is not what they are for; if you will dip your blocks in the milk, and lick it off, you will be sent away.  ¹³When you have drunk, let the empty cup then remain upon the table, and do not bite it upon its edge and by your teeth hold it to your face in order to make noises in it sounding like a duck; for you will be sent away.  ¹⁴When you chew your food, keep your mouth closed until you have swallowed, and do not open it to show your brother or your sister what is within; I say to you, do not so, even if your brother or your sister has done the same to you.  ¹⁵Eat your food only; do not eat that which is not food; neither seize the table between your jaws, nor use the raiment of the table to wipe your lips.  I say again to you, do not touch it, but leave it as it is.  ¹⁶And though your stick of carrot does indeed resemble a marker, draw not with it upon the table, even in pretend, for we do not do that, that is why. ¹⁷And though the pieces of broccoli are very like small trees, do not stand them upright to make a forest, because we do not do that, that is why.  ¹⁸Sit just as I have told you, and do not lean to one side or the other, nor slide down until you are nearly slid away.  ¹⁹Heed me; for if you sit like that, your hair will go into the syrup. ²⁰And now behold, even as I have said, it has come to pass.

Laws Pertaining to Dessert

²¹For we judge between the plate that is unclean and the plate that is clean, saying first, if the plate is clean, then you shall have dessert.  ²²But of the unclean plate, the laws are these: If you have eaten most of your meat, and two bites of your peas with each bite consisting of not less than three peas each, or in total six peas, eaten where I can see, and you have also eaten enough of your potatoes to fill two forks, both forkfuls eaten where I can see, then you shall have dessert.  ²³But if you eat a lesser number of peas, and yet you eat the potatoes, still you shall not have dessert; and if you eat the peas, yet leave the potatoes uneaten, you shall not have dessert, no, not even a small portion thereof.  ²⁴And if you try to deceive by moving the potatoes or peas around with a fork, that it may appear you have eaten what you have not, you will fall into iniquity. And I will know, and you shall have no dessert.