Fun with the Language

I miss the regular columns of former Miami Herald humor columnist Dave Barry, and I especially miss his occasional Ask Mister Language Person columns. He is a talented writer, and his commentary on inadvertantly hilarious uses of language were something I enjoyed a great deal. It is in that spirit that I offer the following and invite your participation.

Art Rogers, at his blog Twelve Wintesses, provided in a recent post an example of something for which I am always on the lookout: Phrases or sentences that are most likely absolutely unique in the history of the English language. Contained within the post was the following, a sterling example of what I’m talking about:

So as I cooked a full package this morning, I thought through my principles of bacon and realized they lined up with something else that I have had on my mind lately…

What are the odds that, in the hundreds of years that people have been speaking English, anyone anywhere has ever before uttered (or written) the phrase “I thought through my principles of bacon”?

I was going to offer up something of my own, but I realize that my intentional efforts would not hold a candle to Art’s (possibly) inadvertent gem. So the invitation is open (preacher talk?) for you to offer in your comments your own examples of items like this from your experience, either what you have heard or what you have said.

Rendering unto Caesar

Put them in mind to be subject to principalities and powers, to obey magistrates, to be ready to every good work

Titus 3:1 (KJV)

I thought about this principle today as I was in court. You might want to stand back a bit whilst I vent.

I am (if I do say so myself) a very safe driver. This has not always been the case, but God has been gracious in allowing me to see the error of my youthful ways. I don’t exceed the speed limit, I always signal turns and lane changes, I always stop at stop signs. I drive in the right-hand lane on a multi-lane road except when passing, and I fervently wish that everyone else did, as well (can I get a witness?). I had no idea that the law required me to signal my intention to pass on a two-lane road.

And so it happened that, while driving on a two-lane road and knowing a state trooper was two cars behind me, I passed two vehicles. I didn’t even exceed the speed limit to accomplish these overtakings, which were completed within passing zones. So, based on my aforementioned ignorance of the signalling requirement, you can imagine my surprise when I was pulled over by the aforementioned state trooper, who had me test both turn signals before joining him in his vehicle. He wrote me a citation without much discussion, and I was on my way.

The schedule of fines the trooper graciously provided to me had three offenses listed under the heading “Improper Passing.” None of these involved turn signals. So I decided that, rather than call to find out what the proper fine was, I would appear as instructed at the Coal County (Oklahoma) Courthouse, which I did promptly at 9:00 this morning.

I had no intention of pleading my innocence, as ignorance is no excuse and the statute, I discoverd after some research, clearly requires signalling. I was simply planning to plead for leniency based on the fact that my particular offense was at some point not deemed worthy of being listed, and therefore it perhaps wasn’t a great threat to public safety which would warrant a large fine. I did not get the opportunity to plead anything, however, except, “Guilty, your honor.” My sentence was suspended, meaning that if I am violation-free for thirty days it will not appear on my driving record, thus affecting my insurance premium. This was, I suppose, a bright spot in an otherwise dreary experience. However, Coal County has as a result been enriched with slightly more than one hundred eighty-three of my dollars.

My real frustration lies in this: I very likely could have simply walked away today with no repurcussions whatever, if I had only said, “Not guilty, your honor.” You see, the aforementioned state trooper, whom I really do hold in high regard, was not with me in the Coal County Courthouse this morning. Because I pleaded “Guilty,” there was no need for the court to act as a finder of fact, and we proceeded directly to sentencing. Had I pleaded, “Not guilty,” my case would have been summarily dismissed as there was no one there to present the state’s case against me.

I drove the seventy-five miles home, signalling each time I passed, knowing that the $183, while I sure could have found other uses for it, is not as expensive as the integrity I cannot do without.

Or, am I just an idiot for pleading guilty? I go back and forth…

For I Cannot Keep Silent

One of the greatest joys in my life is being a member of the Singing Churchmen of Oklahoma. Before my current ministry, I was minister of music and youth at several Oklahoma churches and by virtue of that position I was allowed to join this wonderful group. Thankfully, unlike the Singing ChurchWomen of Oklahoma, no audition was required.

Dr. Bill Green, our director, is a wonderful man and a good friend. He has been there for my family during difficult times, and has always been a help and a support to us.

The music we sing challenges my heart as well as my singing ability. We were divided into four groups last night for concerts in Hobart, Sallisaw, Tulsa and Nicoma Park. If you were with me in Sallisaw, you heard music ranging from negro spiritual to Handel’s Hallelujah Chorus, from traditional hymns to modern praise songs. There is a wonderful range of music with which to praise Him, and it is so uplifting to be a part of a group that encourages Christians and points the lost to the love of the Savior.

Next month we will perform a one-hour concert in a public high school in southern Oklahoma. I pray that God will greatly use us in this marketplace platform He has given us to boldly proclaim the gospel.

Fours (I’ve Been Tagged)

Paul Littleton tagged me, bless his heart…

4 Jobs I’ve Had In My Life:

Six years at Taco Bell. Back when real, honest-to-God pinto beans came in the back door, and we cooked them with lard.

Delivery Driver. For a family-owned wholesale grower selling mums and azaleas, etc., to flower shops.

Minor-league umpire. Worked in the Frontier League, the Texas-Louisiana League, and the Northern League (in the days of the Thunder Bay Whiskey Jacks)

Pastor. Trinity Baptist Church, Valliant, Oklahoma. Youth & Music in several churches before that.

4 Goals I Set For This Year:

Meet more people who need Jesus

Marty Duren’s third goal, only with my wife…

Tickle each of my children daily

eat mor chikin

4 Movies I Could Watch Over And Over:

Goldfinger

The Spy Who Loved Me

Dr. No

The Living Daylights

4 Places I Have Lived:

Inola, Oklahoma

Alexandria, Indiana

Johannesburg, South Africa

Kilgore, Texas

4 TV Shows I Love To Watch:

American Chopper

Cash Cab

MythBusters

Any sporting event featuring the University of Oklahoma in which they are losing.

4 Places I’ve Been On Vacation:

Little Rock, Arkansas

Longview, Texas

Wynnewood, Oklahoma

Muskogee, Oklahoma

4 Websites I Visit Daily:

Fox News

Drudge Report

Purgatorio

Google

4 Of My Favorite Foods:

The bone-in ribeye at Ruth’s Chris steakhouse

Fresh, hot rolls

Rhubarb pie (official pie of HEAVEN)

Any other pie

4 Places I’d Rather Be Right Now:

In the pulpit

On a golf course

In Dublin, Texas, where you can buy real Dr. Pepper!

On a deserted island

So Now I’m Going To Tag… Nobody – Yes, I have no friends…

Two Roads Diverged…

Associated Baptist Press(ABP)’s John Pierce published an article last week about Ron Phillips, pastor of Abba’s House, a “Spirit-filled Southern Baptist church” in Hixson, Tennessee. The story purports to be an anecdotal example of how those responsible for the conservative resurgence in the Southern Baptist Convention are seeking to further narrow the paramaters of cooperation. The somewhat hyperbolic headline of the story is “Charismatic-leaning Southern Baptists being betrayed, excluded, says pastor.” A careful reading of the story, however, reveals a man who has left the mainstream of Southern Baptist belief and practice. I respect his right to his convictions, but I think his cry of betrayal seems rather empty.

Of course this is part of ABP’s campaign against the anti-charismatic policies adopted last year by the International Mission Board (IMB) of the Southern Baptist Convention. In A Defense of the IMB Policy on Baptism, a post by Hershael York on his blog Confessions of a Pastor, Dr. York said the following about a hypothetical church that began to teach practices that were not in line with the majority of Southern Baptist churches:

“…that church would surely be dismissed from the local association and perhaps the denomination entirely. More likely, the church would voluntarily leave the denomination because it would be so radically out of step that the church would find little on which to base fellowship with other churches.”

I would suggest that Ron Phillips’ case is far more like that of York’s hypothetical church than a case of betrayal. Surely Phillips, a lifelong Southern Baptist, knew how his charismatic practices would be viewed by fellow baptists. In the article, Phillips cites a quote from Judge Paul Pressler’s 1999 book A Hill on Which to Die in which Pressler assures a friend “that Paige, our friends, and I would not turn on charismatics after the battle over biblical authority was won. He trusted us, and he and others have now seen that this issue will not be a test of fellowship.” I would suggest that Pressler could stand behind these words in the case of Ron Phillips. No one has turned on Phillips; it is he who has changed, according to the article. And while charismatic practice is, in my opinion, a warranted test for Southern Baptist missionary service or seminary professorship, it is not and should not be, as Pressler said, a test of fellowship.

Southern Baptists are not betraying Phillips or anyone else. Any sense of marginalization felt by Phillips and those of similar experience is due primarily to their divergence from the mainstream, not to any action of Southern Baptists, who have been nothing if not consistent. This is not betrayal by any definition, and the headline writers at ABP know that. How about “Charismatic-leaning Southern Baptists’ views no longer fit in SBC, pastor admits.” That’s what this story is about.

Lead, Follow, or…

Dr. Anthony Jordan, Executive Director/Treasurer of the Baptist General Convention of Oklahoma, writing in his weekly column in Oklahoma’s Baptist Messenger, said the following:

“Recently the Board of Trustees of the International Mission Board made an unprecedented decision to call for the removal of Wade Burleson of Oklahoma from that board. Much has been written about this in Baptist state papers, and it has been the topic of conversation in Baptist circles since the story broke. Unfortunately, most of us are talking about this without knowledge. Therefore, we draw conclusions and suggest actions without background or insight. This is dangerous.”

I agree that there is a lot of talk and a little knowledge. I have argued on several blogs for all the cards to be placed on the table. The trustees seeking Burleson’s removal surely hope to avoid further embarassment for all involved, although at this point I suspect they mainly want to avoid embarassing themselves. More words without knowledge.

But it seems to me that those who would pay attention to this mess already are, and there is precious little to be lost by the IMB or the convention as a whole by making public all that is behind the move against Burleson. Unless the loss would be the credibility of those making the charge.

The trustees meet again next month, and have one more meeting scheduled before Greensboro. I know that Burleson has indicated that he believes this will be resolved before the convention, and I have heard someone quote Dr. Jordan as saying this will never reach the floor. If it is not resolved at the next trustee meeting, all the facts should be made public. The messengers to the convention deserve to know ahead of time the basis on which they are being asked to remove a trustee.

I wonder, when all is revealed, how many who have joined in the “conversation in Baptist circles” will be quoting Job: “Surely I spoke about things I did not understand” (Job 42:2). We need to understand these charges, and not just the day before they must be decided upon by the convention. Those we have elected as our leaders need to lead.

The Church’s Business

Dr. Alan Branch has written an excellent First-Person column titled Common Mistakes in Congregational Church Government in which he raises several important issues related to how our congregations conduct their business.

One of his contentions is that “perhaps the most deadly mistake a church can make” is to invite those who are “immature, backslidden or inactive to participate in key decisions.” I agree with this assertion. Indeed, it seems unreasonable to me that a seven-year-old who was baptized last week should have the same ability to vote on matters of consequence as that of the faithful servant who has walked with God for fifty years. Yet Dr. Branch’s “most deadly mistake” has been common practice in churches in my experience, certainly with regard to maturity.

The church at which I now serve has a way for dealing with this that I had not seen before coming here. Our constitution contains these items under the heading Qualified Voters:

1. All active members of the Church shall be entitled to vote in the Church Business Meetings, each member being entitled to one (1) vote.
2. By active we mean those who attend, at least, twice a month and who support the church financially.

This goes further than any qualification I had seen before, and leads me to this question: What qualifications are proper for voting in a church business meeting? Should there be any beyond membership in good standing?

In my perfect church world, only those who are informed on the issues, who have sought the mind of Christ, and who are intent on following His will as they understand it without regard to personal preference should participate in the business life of the church. But this is often not the case, and I am afraid it may in fact be an unachievable ideal.

I am not a heretic!

Imagine my relief:

Autonomy and Conscience

I am convinced that, while opposition to the International Mission Board (IMB) policies regarding glossolalia and baptism may be warranted, the argument should not be made on the basis of church autonomy.

Because a church is autonomous does not mean it is correct in what it believes and teaches. A doctrinally aberrant autonomous church is free to send out all the missionaries it wants, but if it wants those missionaries to be compensated by the gifts of all cooperating Southern Baptist churches, then there must be some level of doctrinal accountability.

I know what you’re thinking: “We have the Baptist Faith & Message (BF&M), and these new policies go beyond it.” Yes, they do. But so, arguably, does the IMB’s divorce restriction, and prudently so. This is not an infringement on the church’s right to call a divorced and re-married pastor, even if they wouldn’t allow that pastor to serve on the mission field under IMB auspices.

Those disaffected by the conservative resurgence in the convention make a similar argument with regard to the requirement for missionaries and seminary professors to agree not to contradict the BF&M in their work. They call it a violation of conscience. Nonsense. If they want to receive their salaries from the gifts of Southern Baptists, it is no violation of anything to require that they not actively work against the statement of commonly held faith adopted by those Southern Baptists in convention.

Just as a church is free to cooperate or not by it’s autonomous decision, so is a missionary or professor free to seek out avenues of service that are more in keeping with the dictates of their conscience.

Isn’t freedom grand?

Evangelism Conference

I’m looking forward to a nice break from routine and a healthy dose of conviction and challenge as well as my family and I attend the Oklahoma State Evangelism Conference the next two days. I always enjoy attending this conference, and sometimes I actually enjoy the conference itself (some years are better than others). But it will be a chance to slow down a bit and catch up with friends I haven’t seen lately. And with Malcom McDow, Ken Whitten, Johnny Hunt and Jimmy Draper on the program, it should be worth the trip.

I will be keeping up with this page (not that anyone reads it) thanks to the wireless access so graciously provided by the First Baptist Church of Moore, which is hosting the conference. Why don’t all churches (and houses, for that matter) have this? Our church averages 60 in Sunday school, and we have it! Just my little contribution to my ideal world…